Aries (March 21–April 19)

This month, your new skin regimen will not be in your favor. Expect to have to cut yourself a new pair of bangs, because you will experience breakouts the size of boulders on your forehead. But don’t fret; if you stand under the light of the moon at 2 a.m. for two hours every evening and rest your face on one of the potholes in front of the Elaine Langone Center, you will be cured within five months.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) and Gemini (May 21–June 20)

That person in your morning class who you have a crush on–you know, the one with the eyes and the hair–will soon fall madly in love with you. Avoid eye contact and speaking to him at all costs or the spell will be broken and he will never acknowledge your existence. On Oct. 31, he will ask you to his date party and if you say yes, you two will get married shortly after.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

You will lose your ID card and have to resort to climbing into your window for the rest of the month because you can’t pay the $50 fine. Invest in good climbing rope, knee pads, eye patches, and a helmet.

Leo  (July 23–Aug. 22)

Sometime during this week, a tiny leprechaun will climb into your window and will take care of all your dishes, homework, dirty laundry, and will study for your exams for you. Take this week off and don’t worry about midterms. Kick back, relax, and watch as many reruns of “Scrubs” as you want.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22), Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22), and Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

This month, the cycles of Saturn will not be in your favor. You will get the plague.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Be wary of an army of yellow jackets that will tunnel through your walls and set up camp in your favorite pair of sneakers. One day you’ll wake up, slip on your shoes, and there will be nothing left of your feet except two shiny stubs of bone. To regenerate your feet, all you have to do is stand under the light of the moon at 2 a.m. for two hours every evening, rest your stubs on one of the potholes in front of the Elaine Langone Center and repeatedly shout, “I believe in the Sand Man!” You will be cured within five months. Also, say hi to the person with boulders under their bangs. You’ll both need a friend during this tough time.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) and Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

The magnetism between the water and the new moon are in your favor this month. The person you’ve been crushing on since freshman year who never knew you existed will actually start noticing you! Congrats! Cease your Facebook stalking and start getting to know him or her. This is when you find out that he or she is not as cool or nice as you originally thought. All those Facebook pictures of him or her posing with puppies and children are complete and utter LIES.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

You and your best friend will get into a mild argument this month and will never talk to each other ever again. That’s okay, because you’re going to start a Netflix and Chill club and make tons of new friends. Plus, I’ll be there for you, because you’re there for me too.