Chou’s Clues: Student gets fake boyfriend for Thanksgiving Break

Rachel Chou, Opinions Editor

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Karen Souflee ’17 is holding auditions for temporary fake boyfriends on Nov. 20 from 7-10 p.m. in the Da Vinci Room in the Bertrand Library.

“I came up with the idea over Fall Break. Whenever I go to family events, they’re always pestering me with annoying questions about my life, like: ‘Do you have a job yet?’, ‘How are your grades this semester?’, ‘Where did you get that shirt?’, and ‘Why did you get so fat?’ But the question that really gets me teetering on the edge is ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ I know it’s surprising because I’m so pretty and popular and all, but I’ve actually never been in a relationship before. I’ve had to explain to my relatives many, many times that I do have friends at school, and I’m not a social pariah, and I do go to parties, and that I’m just trying to focus on school right now. My grandma has been bugging me about it even more as of late. She’s 104 years old and straight up told me last Christmas, ‘My life will only be fulfilled once you get a boyfriend. And I’m low-key going to die soon so you better hurry.’ So, this is for you Grandma Jo,” Souflee said.

Souflee says that there are very few qualifications she’s looking for in her fake boyfriend.

“I’m honestly not looking for a lot here. He’s just got to be a nice guy who’s nice to my mom. Also dashingly handsome, but with one feature just a little bit off so he’s not too perfect, like a slightly bigger nose, or a too-wide set of nostrils. I’m also into men with really hairy arms, but just the arms—he has to be hairless everywhere else. I’m also really into veins, like when they pop out from under the skin; I heard it’s a sign of good health. When I hold his hand I want to be able to literally feel his veins pulsing in my hand. It’s a given that he needs to be tall, like at least five feet taller than me, so he can protect me from sunshine. And he must be pursuing a major that will make him sound really smart. We also have to have the same top 10 songs on our personal iTunes playlists. He also has to be really rich. And that’s pretty much it; those are the only things that I’m looking for,” Souflee said.

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