Du’s and don’ts: Looking like a bro versus looking like a hobo

Elizabeth Duswalt , Columnist

This week I have decided to offer my advice to all the struggling male fashionistas on campus. As a whole, we are all fairly well-dressed, but there are a few things that could use some attention. Whether you are an athlete, a frat star, or something in between, you will probably find some of this advice useful.

Let’s start with shoes. A guy’s shoes say a lot about him because they are often the only article of clothing that he cares about. If a guy has some janky shoes on I, along with the majority of the female population, will assume he has been up to some janky business.

In the most specific case at the University, the guy has rolled up to class wearing his frat Timbs or L.L.Bean boots and they are covered in mud and beer with the laces most certainly not tied. How original. There is also the guy who wears frat Vans that used to be some other color but have become a washed-out gray (because of the beer and mud and God knows what else), with the sole falling off. Please stop wearing these to class. Or just wipe them off?

Now let’s talk about pants. First, let me say that not all sweatpants are created equal. Yes, they are great and comfy and let everyone know that you probably participate in athletic activities, but they should fit you correctly. They should not be two sizes too big because that makes you look sloppy and lazy, and then everyone starts to question whether or not you actually participate in athletic activities. They should also be a good length; they should not awkwardly hang at your ankles, nor should you look like you are wearing your little brother’s hand-me-downs. Also, side note: sweatpants are not hand warmers. Take your hands out of your pants while in public.

Khakis are great. Everyone loves guys in khakis. They should not have questionable stains on them, though. Is that beer? Coffee? Ketchup? Blood? Or worse? I get that you wore them to Super and some girl slipped in the mud and dumped her drink on you, and then you got hungry and ate pizza that fell on your pants and your laundry day isn’t until Thursday, but today is Tuesday. Just don’t wear that pair. Keep another in your drawer safe and clean for the weekdays.

Finally, we will discuss hair. When a boy finally learns how to do his hair, it is a pivotal point in his life. A little hair gel goes a long way (emphasis on “little”). Or you can use a hat on days when nothing seems to be going your way. Also, knowing when to cut your hair is important. Lax bro flow does not look good on everyone. So if it isn’t happening, stop trying to make it happen and cut it.

If you follow my advice, you will be a bro worthy of frat stardom and varsity athleticism (or at least you will pretend to be). You don’t want to be the resident hobo of your 8 a.m. class, your entire fraternity, or the men’s lacrosse team. So clean yourself up and manscape a bit, and you too can be a bro.

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