Dear Editor,

I am writing today because I am looking for some advice.

I guess I’ll start by telling you about myself. I’m somewhat of a campus celebrity. There’s a statue of me outside of the gym, and kids and alumni wear T-shirts with my picture. Without revealing my identity, you could say I’m somewhat of a university icon.

On the surface, my life seems perfect, but I feel that deep down something is missing. With Valentine’s Day having just passed, I realize that the only thing I don’t have is a Lewisburg love story. I want someone to hold my hoof, and stampede across the quad with me. The reason that I haven’t been able to find anyone is that beneath my ferocious exterior is actually someone with insecurities, just like anyone else.

To be completely honest I’m a little self-conscious. I’m a stress eater, and over the holidays I really overdid it. Yesterday I weighed in at 1,403 pounds! I’ve been trying to lose weight but I just can’t seem to shed those extra five pounds. To make matters worse, in the winter my coat gets so thick that it definitely adds at least two pounds. When I walk to class, the snow gets stuck to my coat, and sometimes I notice during lecture that there’s snow on my facial hair. How embarrassing! Thank god no one can see me blush.

Another problem I have is that I get really nervous in social situations. On Wednesdays and Fridays I go downtown with my friends, and it can be really hard for me. When I hit the dance floor, I totally freeze up. I’m a master on the court, but when I dance it’s like I have four left hooves. How am I supposed to ask someone to dance when I look like a complete cow?

Anyway Editor, I was just wondering if you might have any suggestions for me. I really want to find a date for next Valentine’s Day, or maybe just ask someone to come to one of my basketball games. Anything you have to offer would be a great help.

Sincerely,

UnBucky in Love