The NCAA has agreed to reimburse collegiate athletes for all the money they bring to their respective universities by issuing each athlete Bitcoin cryptocurrency wallet software, something that may even generate market value in terms of genuine liquid capital. Because Bitcoin has a borderline non-existent similarity to money, the NCAA can continue its practices while still satisfying its critics.

The NCAA’s decision to begin paying student athletes comes after years of failed attempts to shed its reputation as the world’s largest practitioner of forced labor.

According to their lawyer — Sheila Grubman — the NCAA is eager to roll out its student-athlete payment plan as early as 2020.

“The powers that be in the NCAA truly believe that by 2020, Bitcoin will have the financial credibility to be used in the purchase of school supplies and food from local, national, and international businesses, instead of black market super drugs and illegal fireworks from the dark web like today,” Grubman said.

Grubman left out that by 2020 it is quite possible that Bitcoin will be rendered useless because it exists only as a figment of the collective imagination of the few people who claim to understand how cryptocurrency actually works.

Student athletes around the country were elated, then depressed, then jubilant, and then disappointed again, as they closely followed the minute-by-minute rise and fall of Bitcoin stocks.

The malnourished and gaunt star quarterback of an unnamed university spoke to The Bucknellian on the condition of anonymity.

“If Bitcoin can buy me food, then I’ll take it,” he said. My scholarship covered textbooks and tuition and that’s it! I can’t get a job because there is no way I can get away from the football field. It would be amazing just to be able to eat a bowl of ramen a day!”