‘Two Friends’ seek a third friend

Bridget Beljan and Amy Schlussler

Two Friends, the popular electronic duo, released their latest Big Bootie Remix, Volume 13, on April, 4. After playing their hour-long hit on Facebook livestream the night before, many University students refrained from attending their morning classes in anticipation of the SoundCloud release.  

Upon dropping their new banger, Two Friends put out a statement announcing that they will be accepting applications for a Third Friend due to their massive success.  

“Believe it or not, behind the discs, fog, and strobe lights, it can get pretty lonely on stage. Even though a crowd of thousands is screaming our name, my Friend and I could use another pal who knows us on a deeper level,” Friend Number 1 said.

“As the saying goes, ‘Two’s company; Three’s a rager,” Friend Number 2 said.

The CDC staff has been overwhelmed with the volume of students looking to make their resumes sparkle since word got out that applications to be friends with Two Friends are being accepted. When turned away, students even began hounding the Bertrand librarians for help on researching friendship techniques.

Characteristics the duo is looking for include an ear for beat drops, a solid head bang, and a mean fist pump. This person should not be afraid to be verified on Instagram, yet also not expect to be recognized in public.  

An ideal candidate is one that is passionate, dedicated, and non-epileptic. You can DM your resume to @twofriends on Instagram for consideration.  

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