Twenty-year-old first year student, Noah Severson, further separated himself from his peers this weekend by cinching up his bathrobe, laying down his textured briar tobacco pipe, and calling campus security on his hallmates for disregarding the 11 p.m. sound ordnance in Swartz Hall.

Adjusting to campus life has been difficult for Severson since he spent the year immediately following his high school graduation out in the “real world,” where this childish college nonsense does not hold any weight.

When asked what exactly makes him so much wiser and more mature than people who are only a year or two younger than him, he said, “Oh everything. The main difference is that these kids have no experience and I’ve done things. Like, I spent a week in Lake Tahoe and my uncle let me have a beer. I smoked weed once, okay? I’ve been to Brooklyn. I just have a better understanding, you know? None of these kids know what real life is all about and I just can’t relate to them. It’s sad really. They are the people who are going to be taking care of me when I’m an old man. Oh, how I weep for the future.”

It probably should be reiterated — he is twenty.

The reaction from the other first-year students on campus has been pretty much non-existent due to the fact that none of them really care what Mr. Severson has to say so they have just been ignoring him.

The campus security guard who answered the complaint call was not sympathetic. “I told him to calm down. It was, like, 11:03. If he had that much life experience, he’d realize he’s acting like an idiot.”