Jasmine Myrtle ’19, a senior philosophy major at the University, hails from the quiet little town of Shicksville, Pa. According to her close friends, Myrtle prides herself on the strong Platonic forms of being late, always asking for directions to the Elaine Langone Center, and yelling at people in the agora. Why is that important? What does she do? Well, we don’t know, and neither does she.

Myrtle has spent her four years meandering around campus, talking to the squirrels, begging for food, and getting into vicious arguments with professors and students on what the best platitudes are. We met with her this past Wednesday and interviewed her on what she thinks she’s doing, and why she cannot stop asking questions.

“I don’t know, isn’t it like, New Student Orientation week?” Myrtle asked. “Honestly, I don’t care. All I know is that good things come to those who, like, wait.”

After several hours of discussion, it became clear that Myrtle has no intention of even trying to figure out what she’s doing at the University. She is, in fact, writing her thesis on the very subject. Myrtle explained to us that she is convinced she can wing the paper in one night and is putting it off as much as she can, pretending she doesn’t even know about her work at all. Rumor has it that she’s almost halfway through the first-year reading.

“If I actually find out I have work, that gives me, like, responsibilities, and I don’t want that, okay?” Myrtle said. “If I wanted, like, real responsibilities I wouldn’t have gone to, like, college in the first place. Epicurus says is okay for me to go have fun, so like, why not? I haven’t been to a class in four semesters.”

Some classmates have expressed their sympathies for the philosophy major, but others were quick to point out their annoyance at her apparent lack of knowledge or plans beyond graduation.

“She’s been here for four years; this is ridiculous,” Yianni Doe ’19 said to our journalists. “You can’t have a conversation with her without re-introducing yourself.”