A student was apprehended this morning and charged in connection to an attempted break-in and tampering of official University documents to edit an embarrassing senior photo. The student, Fran C. Tick ’19, was found comatose outside Dana Engineering at the scene of the crime, passed out from seeing his gross senior portrait. When he regained consciousness, we asked him what could possibly be his motivation. Tick said his connection to the crime was personal and that he would be socially devastated if all two people who actually looked through the yearbook saw him like that.

“I had no choice since they were using that photo of me,” Tick said. “I was not in a normal state, and several misclicks later, here I am, being assaulted by the paparazzi. Do you know the kind of social backlash that would come out if everyone who read L’Agenda saw me in that condition?”

The photo, which was remarkably terrible compared to even the frumpiest portraits, was found to cause spasms and involuntary headaches just from a quick glance at its subject. Thankfully for Tick, the whole situation came to a surprising end. After careful and expedited consideration by Public Safety, officials have labeled the photo as a danger to public health and ordered that L’Agenda obtain a new photo from the disgruntled student. We interviewed Tick after L’Agenda agreed to retake a final photo for the yearbook.

“This is amazing! I can’t believe that someone actually appreciates me and my beauty!” Tick said. “I finally have a chance to show all of the senior class how mediocre I really am, and I would like to thank everyone involved in that decision. I can’t even begin to imag—HEY! That’s a terrible angle!”