A campus-wide lockdown was put into effect on Feb. 20 as alumni from rival departments took their bad blood to the Malesardi Quadrangle to settle a territorial dispute that had been on the verge of boiling over since the 1980s.

Despite an increased security presence due to the expected throw-down, the College of Engineering, led by Tony “The Machine” Godinanza ’80, and the Freeman College of Management, led by Frank “The Boss” Bruticosi ’88, made no effort to hide their intention to take back what each side thought was rightfully theirs.

Godinanza, wearing a hardhat and tie while slamming a set of rolled-up blueprints into his open palm like it was a splintered, wooden baseball bat, had this to say about the confrontation:

“Hey, listen. I take care of my people, okay?  It’s been thirty years these glorified department store clerks been walkin’ around here like they own the place and it ends now.”

To drive home his point, he further added, “I was designin’ and implementin’ cost-effective equipment modifications to help improve safety and reliability when little Frankie Bruticosi was still a customer service associate at Kmart. We run this campus. Capisce?”

An unidentified henchman, brought in from the Buffalo outfit by the Freeman College of Management, was brutally direct in his response to Godinanza’s statements.

“Tony G. sleeps with the subaqueous pipeline his company installed in that lake northwest of Fort Worth.”

When asked about the situation, Bruticosi wisely chose not to comment, citing the Fifth Amendment as his reasoning for doing so.

As of this writing, the three other departments that make up the Five Collegiate Families (English, Psychology, and Mathematics) met behind closed doors at a 53-acre estate in Apalachin, N.Y. The meeting was called to draw up new geographic boundaries that all members must abide by to ensure another turf war does not occur.