“Only two hours left. Only two hours left to go,” Vasily Runnyn ’21 said on the evening of Feb. 14. Runnyn was the subject of a heated pursuit by a group of singers delivering the Singing Valentine that his mother, Verily, sent him to “cheer his spirits.” Vasily was awakened at 6 a.m. on Feb. 14 by the sickly sweet sound of love songs outside his door. Due to his single status, he knew he had to give them a fight for their lives.

“It was embarrassing. I didn’t have a Valentine, what were people going to think? I hate all this sappy stuff anyhow,” Runnyn said.

Runnyn reportedly jumped straight from the fourth-floor window of McDonnell Hall straight to the ground, breaking both of his legs and bruising both of his kneecaps in the process. Still, Runnyn ran like a bandit, with his Singing Valentine trailing close behind. Runnyn and his warbling pursuers played a game of cat and mouse all day, all across campus, from the Observatory to the Mods. The chase even broke up excited Engineering Week crowds, until Runnyn juked his Valentine in the connecting hallway from Rooke Science Center to Olin, confusing the singers in the process.

“It was like magic,” he said. “I’ve never met anyone except me who understood that place.”

At almost 10 p.m., Vasily decided to hunker down for the night in an attempt to wait out the clock.

Which brings us to here. Right now. Reporters from The Bucknellian have been following this case from the very beginning, and have chased it right into the Vedder dumpster. Runnyn has grown quite fond of the attention but is sure that hanging low by Vedder will throw his Singing Valentine off his trail, saying, “There is no love here. No hope. It drives the bad people away. Only two hours left.”

More updates to follow after we wash off this putrid smell.