According to reports from friends and Public Safety officers, Mike McGowan ’19 has resigned himself to throwing wet clothes from the washer onto the ground in various laundry rooms after realizing that getting wasted at 11 a.m. will no longer be socially acceptable once he graduates.

Since the beginning of the spring semester, students in multiple dorms across campus have complained about finding their clean but soaking wet clothes on the floor, thus rendering them paradoxically unclean by all standards. The Office of Public Safety, implementing a top-secret surveillance operation made possible by disguising an undercover officer as a washing machine, quickly identified McGowan as the culprit.

McGowan not only went on to admit to the non-crime-but-still-kind-of-a-jerk-thing-to-do, but also elaborated on the deeper meaning behind his actions.

“Yeah I did it, and I’m going to keep doing it, too. It’s all I have,” McGowan said. “It’s the only thing that brings me satisfaction: that sweet smacking sound a pair of drenched Old Navy sweatpants make when I yank them out of the washer as soon as they finish and heave them onto the dirty, dusty laundry room floor.”

McGowan attempted to highlight the psychological and sociological basis of his behavior, but his explanation only made him seem even more deranged than originally thought.

“It’s my way of balancing out the playing field,” McGowan said. “I want the world to feel my pain. If I must face responsibility then so must the students who leave their clothes in the washer for longer than two minutes after the cycle has completed.”

One of McGowan’s victims, Jordan Smolinsky ’19, gave a dissenting viewpoint on the matter.

“I don’t know, man,” Smolinksy said. “Like, I know we’re graduating, and we are going to have to face responsibility and all that but it’s not that bad, you know? I’m kind of looking forward to it, to be honest.”

McGowan has since been banned from all laundry rooms on campus. If spotted in or around one, Public Safety suggests students and faculty report him immediately.