The Bucknellian’s bombshell investigation into undercover students who operate as scientists has led to the discovery of a human cloning facility in the basement of the Rooke Science Center. After a three-year inspection across multiple student groups, the secret door to this facility was opened by entering the password to the popular Instagram account @bucknellmemes4amishteens.

When our investigative reporters unlocked the door, they found one lone student, who chose to only identify himself as “Jeff” during the brief interview, inside the facility. He cited increasing pressure to perform well in his incredibly demanding residential college discussion dinner as the reason for the clones. So far, he has only successfully cloned himself.

“I wanted to try and look good for the discussions,” Jeff said. “Sucking up to professors is hard these days, you know? It’s like, you actually have to be well-rounded and amicable to get on your prof’s good side. Cloning myself was the only way for me to learn enough to get a word in edgewise at the dinner table.”

Jeff explained that this weekly quarter-credit class is the most stressful class he’s ever taken.

“You know how hard it is to share your thoughts without raising your hand?” he exclaimed.

After being asked whether he’d expand the cloning technology to students other than himself, Jeff hesitated.

“No. I have no idea how I actually made this work, and it’s the only way that I’ll be able to get some money after I graduate here,” Jeff said. “I’ve spent three years researching how to 3D-print my avant-garde artwork onto butter. I know, as a visual arts and butter dynamics double major, I’m going to be a starving artist by next year.”

After The Bucknellian left, the only thing heard from the lab was a 10-hour loop of “Baby Shark” and faint sobbing.