After a long and productive weekend, several students paid respect to their real master this past Sunday. In the center of the Malesardi Quadrangle, a small group gathered to prepare their sacrifice to the great Class of 2012 University seal.

Their carefully coordinated ceremony proved to be complicated, as the students desperately tried to avoid stepping on the seal while simultaneously smearing nacho tots all over it. The ceremony concluded with the singing of the alma mater in its original Latin form. This event, which occurred around 2:30 a.m. after the students cleaned out the Flyson of all its nacho tots, motivated Public Safety to arrive to keep the peace.

“Yeah, I’m not surprised this time,” one officer said. “I’ve been on the force 10 years and have seen kids doing all sorts of crazy things hoping that it will bring their grades up.”

According to officials, Public Safety intervened when several students attempted to set the nacho tots ablaze, trying to create “a pleasing aroma for the Great Seal.”

This is not the only time that students have participated in a food-related sacrifice in hopes of improving their GPA. A little-known incident occurred in 2017 in which three students stole all of the broccoli from the salad bar at the Caf, stuffing it into their purses. They then proceeded to feed it to their hall’s pet dog, claiming “he’s the only good thing in our lives.”

After Public Safety broke up the 2017 sacrifice, the students retreated to the McDonnell ski lounge, barricaded themselves in the room, and sat in a candlelit circle, singing in low voices. The hall dog was not present for the ceremony.