After reviewing the 2019 annual Public Safety report, University officials have discovered a loophole in the campus security system, in which all buildings can be accessed with a $5 Subway gift card.

The loophole was discovered after several student IDs were found and returned to Public Safety but were never picked up by their rightful owners. This led University Vice Detective Ward Littell to uncover a highly-organized criminal operation being run out of The Gateways where, instead of paying the $50 fee for a new ID card, students were simply purchasing the $5 gift cards from their peers.  

To Littell, this is just the tip of the iceberg. While chain-smoking cigarettes in his office that doubles as a supply closet in the basement of Trax Hall, he provided The Bucknellian with his latest leads.

“The question isn’t who or what or where, okay? I know all that,” Littell said as a dense fog of smoke enveloped the room.

The smoke cloud covered the collage of photographs plastered across the walls, linking various Subway locations, a campus map, Lee Harvey Oswald, the Eye of Providence, the HAARP research facility and former heavyweight boxing champion Sonny Liston.

“The question is why,” Littell said. “Why are $5 Subway gift cards capable of breaking our ironclad security system? This is not a mistake, not a glitch. This goes straight to the top.”

When asked if he thought Bucknell Student Government was responsible for the security breach, a wry smile spread across Littell’s face.

“You just don’t get it,” he said, putting his cigarette out in a half-empty coffee cup then lighting another. “Can’t you see what’s happening here? Don’t you see the connection?”

The reporter from The Bucknellian pressed him for more information, only to be rushed out of the office with no further explanation.

At the time of publication, Littell has not been seen or heard from since the interview.