The University expected to wake up to a normal day of classes last Friday. However, while students were parading around, pretending to go to their classes, they noticed something odd about the Malesardi Quadrangle: every single blue and orange Adirondack chair had vanished.

The Bucknellian spoke with Rebecca Recline ’22 about the missing chairs.

“Where am I supposed to scroll through Amazon or Forever 21 instead of doing homework?” Recline asked. “Is it too much to ask to be able to ignore my ever-growing load of calculus problems while taking in the view of Bertrand Library?”

The Bucknellian launched a full investigation as to who would dare steal the dozens of Adirondack chairs, which sell for $300 apiece (that is the actual price). After interviewing every departmental head, the operator of Student Mail Services, Sal Mailabox, reached out, reporting “suspicious mail activity.”

“This one student keeps coming around with these saran-wrapped Adirondack chairs,” Mailabox said. “He’s brought one up to the window every single day for the last week and asked for it to be mailed to various destinations in the country. Naturally, that’s a little bit funky.”

When The Bucknellian asked Mailabox for a description of the perpetrator, he said, “that tall kid who wears khaki shorts, a polo, and a Patagonia jacket, despite the warm weather.” Everybody knows there’s only one student at the University who fits that profile.

Kevin Thornton ’20 was in his Gateway apartment when our investigative reporters knocked on his door. Thornton answered the door wearing his Patagonia. The Bucknellian asked him directly if he had the chairs.

“Wait, so you’re telling me that you think I stole like six dozen chairs, put them in my Gateway living room, wrapped them in saran wrap and brought them to Student Mail Services every day to be shipped to buyers on eBay?” Thornton asked.

The investigative reporters forcefully opened his door. Floor to ceiling, there were blue and orange chairs. There was no room to walk, the kitchen and couch were unusable and only a small gap in the stacks led to the bedroom and bathroom. 

The Bucknellian called Public Safety, who then kicked out our investigative reporters. While we don’t know what happened in Thornton’s room after we left, we do know that all of our beloved chairs have returned to their rightful spots on campus.