Concurrent with the outbreak of an SARS-like virus in China, the University administration has classified the use of the Chinese app TikTok as an epidemic on campus.

Symptoms of addiction are difficult to pin down at any given moment, as trends on the app rarely last longer than a few days. Previous symptoms have included hitting the whoa more frequently than usual, that odd “git up” dance and doing moves progressively more intensively every day. The rapid changing of trends has vaccine producers at a loss for how to proceed.

So, the administration did something previously unheard of: talking to students to fix a problem on campus. There is exactly one TikTok famous half-University student, @truckjacky, with 1.6M followers. Jacky was ’tokked getting kicked out of class for microwaving food, getting shampooed by a peer in Coleman and getting a haircut in Academic West (both during class, of course).

The University administration knows that Jacky is the one true master of TikTok, and asked him to sit down with The Bucknellian to discuss the art. “It takes true thought. Those parts where I say I ‘drop out’ in my videos are actually true. It took so much effort to come up with the idea for those videos that my economics GPA fell to 1.6 and I had to take a few gap semesters. I’m 25 now, but at least I’m famous.” 

When asked how to fix the epidemic on campus, he paused. “It’s so addicting, dude. I literally have not been able to remove my phone from my hand since I downloaded the app.” 

Jacky might be well on his way to joining the “Hype House,” where a number of famous users live in Los Angeles. 

The cure is on the way, though. Biology student Alex Renee-Gade ’21 has spent the last few weeks working intently on a cure for the TikTok epidemic. “It scares me. I don’t want to see people dancing in front of their phones while the world happens around them.” 

However, she may be too late. Rumor has it that University President John Bravman himself has begun trying to get TikTok famous.