Pancreas-related panic swept over campus last Saturday, as over 500 students reported nausea, throwing up, cold sweats, and headaches. The epidemic started with one student visiting the health center early Saturday morning, after attending a “Luau” -themed register. More than 200 followed his lead, occupying the remaining health center appointments throughout the rest of the day, and draining the Bison’s ginger ale supply.

The Bucknellian spoke to the young man who was the first to declare symptoms of this mysterious stomach bug. 

“I’ve never felt like this before,” Billy Boose ’20 said. “I woke up with a pounding headache, and a mysterious pit in my stomach, almost like the feeling of regret.”

Another student, Jackie Jrinks ’23, recounted her experience with the illness.

“It was like my mind was awake, but my body needed to stay horizontal,” Jrinks said. “And I was incredibly hungry all day. My heart was craving greasy food, but my body was craving electrolytes. I didn’t even know that was possible!” 

After some questioning, she too admitted her attendance at the Luau register. 

After these interviews, the legitimacy of the virus has undergone some questioning. Was it merely a coincidence both students attended the same party the night before? Or is there something more? Reporters from The Bucknellian decided to visit the Bucknell Student Health Center in search of these answers.

“This happens at the beginning of every semester,” Nurse Pedia said. “As students get older, their hangovers get increasingly worse, causing unnecessary panic around normal, yet unfamiliar hangover symptoms. It’s usual for Bucknell students to place blame on outside causes, rather than their own bad decisions. We give them the attention they are seeking and send them home to rest for the day. ”

Tito Sonice ’20 confirmed this declaration, as he was in charge of making the punch for the Friday night register. “The key is to mix as many sugary juices together, in order to mask any alcoholic taste. The result is a nasty hangover—but by senior year, you get used to it,” Sonice said.

Clearly 500–plus underclassmen have some catching up, and more importantly, some growing up to do. The Bucknellian strongly suggests staying hydrated before a night out, avoiding excessively sugary drinks, and please, spare us all the drama.