While January lasted roughly six months this year, February is finally getting underway (minus the snow that usually comes with it). Groundhog Day predicted good timing for an early spring, which means it’s not too early to get some opinions on the beloved Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day has found its way inside CVS, Walmart and in advertisements all along Route 15, making it especially easy for those without a special someone this holiday season to remember they are, in fact, lonely. 

In an effort to help those seeking a little extra TLC this Valentine’s Day, The Bucknellian has opened the Satire section to students looking to advertise their greatest qualities in the hopes of finding a partner to celebrate the holiday with.

Below are some of the candidates who are offering up their hearts this Valentine’s Day.

Russell Stove ’23: “I enjoy long walks through the cafe trying to decide what I want from none of the stations, running down my dining dollars on nacho tots, and crying over my incredibly difficult philosophy homework. If you want to spend a night in my dorm room with me because I’m a first-year and can’t get into the frats, I think that would be the cat’s pajamas.”

Hal Entime ’21: “We could go for a nice meal somewhere downtown that isn’t too expensive because I have a tight budget in order to be able to afford my Natty Light. And I’m going to need to be back on St. Catherine Street really early so I can still pregame with the boys. Valentine’s Day or not, I will die if I don’t lose at least three rounds of pong to warm up.”

Will Rose ’20: “I am suffering from extreme senioritis and can’t be bothered by anything that isn’t Super or drinking-related, but I am under extreme family pressure to find a girlfriend, so I thought I’d try this out. I don’t really have any interests, but I do have a chewing tobacco addiction and insomnia from the stress of procrastinating my work.”

These advertisements, and many more like them, are scattered throughout campus. Personal information can’t be released here for privacy reasons, but if you find one you like, their Snapchats and phone numbers are located on the flyer. 

Some have included their Kik (which isn’t even a thing anymore), as well as their Twitter, Instagram and TikTok handles. Whatever floats your boat.

Best of luck to those searching this Valentine’s Day, but just remember, it’s also a Friday, which means it’s still socially acceptable to drink. You don’t have to tell people the two are related.