The Bucknellian

Mother conducts full FBI background check on daughter’s formals date

Mother conducts full FBI background check on daughter’s formals date

Bridget Beljan, Senior Writer

April 4, 2019


Filed under Satire

In the wake of the week-long scaries House Party Weekend tends to bring, students are beginning to realize that there ain’t no rest for the wicked. Formals season is just around the corner.   Dana Date ’21 was elated when she learned that she had been invited to attend a formal in Ibiza,...

Student catches fire after walking into Rooke Chapel for the first time

Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer

April 4, 2019


Filed under Satire

It can be a complete shock to students when they learn that the building at the University’s entrance is, in fact, a chapel. The University community often mistakes Rooke Chapel for the highly-worshiped South Campus Apartments. Despite the overwhelming number of emails that students receive daily from...

Email chain goes viral after sick student messages the entire College of Arts & Sciences

Email chain goes viral after sick student messages the entire College of Arts & Sciences

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

April 4, 2019


Filed under Satire

The entire University stood in solidarity with Brad “B” Mail ’20 this past week after Mail accidentally sent a message regarding his contraction of the stomach virus to the entire Class of 2020 within the College of Arts & Sciences. The message, originally intended for one professor, immediately ...

Cleveland Browns fan vocal to proactively prevent possible future bandwagoning accusations

Jeff Klebauskas, Senior Writer

April 4, 2019


Filed under Satire

After the recent improvement of the Cleveland Browns’ roster through the acquisitions of Odell Beckham Jr. and a quarterback who made it through a full season, Bernie Vardell ’20 has been noticeably vocal about his lifelong support of the team. Sources say he has been doing so to ensure that, in...

Human cloning facility found in the basement of Rooke Science

Alex Boyer and Nicholas Demarchis, Senior Writer and Contributing Writer

April 4, 2019


Filed under Satire

The Bucknellian’s bombshell investigation into undercover students who operate as scientists has led to the discovery of a human cloning facility in the basement of the Rooke Science Center. After a three-year inspection across multiple student groups, the secret door to this facility was opened by...

Top 5 reasons why your mom is calling you in the middle of your econ lecture

Top 5 reasons why your mom is calling you in the middle of your econ lecture

Suzie Anonymous, Contributing Writer

March 29, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

  What’s the name of that actor she likes? The one with the fun hair from the "star war" movie? She ran into Amanda from your middle school soccer team’s mom today at the store. Amanda just got engaged! She was always so nice. You should send her a card. She found some of “that ...

Tour guides sign pact to pretend Vedder doesn’t exist

Tour guides sign pact to pretend Vedder doesn’t exist

Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer

March 29, 2019


Filed under Satire

This time of year is notoriously stressful, as high school seniors across the country start deciding where they will study for the next four years. In recent weeks, there has been an increase in tour groups trekking across campus. These tours feature prospective students from all walks of life, drawing...

Computer Science department’s March Madness algorithm creates first-ever winless bracket

Computer Science department’s March Madness algorithm creates first-ever winless bracket

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

March 29, 2019


Filed under Satire

The University Computer Science Department hung its desktop monitors in shame this past Friday when its first-ever March Madness algorithm failed spectacularly, picking the wrong team in every single game. Boasting a bracket created by an artificial intelligence model refined by decades of studying cha...

Senior reads first book for fun since grade school – is pleasantly surprised

Lewis Rizzoli, Staff Writer

March 29, 2019


Filed under Satire

Spring is upon us and so is the infamous senior slide. Jobs have been offered, major and minor requirements have been met, and graduation plans have been made. Second-semester seniors often have more time and fewer worries. Without all the essays, lab reports, case studies, problem sets, exams, and quizze...

Film studies student analyzes Jordan Peele’s decision to have actors portray the characters in Us

Jeff Klebauskas, Staff Writer

March 29, 2019


Filed under Satire

After seeing “Us” a grand total of 19 times since its release, film studies student Milos Kubrick Ford Coppola ’20 moved well beyond the story’s obvious subtext and delved into the much deeper implications of director/writer/producer Jordan Peele’s decision to specifically use actors in his film...

Faculty presentation goes awry after disastrous PowerPoint typo

Bridget Beljan, Senior Writer

March 27, 2019


Filed under Satire

Aside from stubbing your toe on the corner of your bed or stepping on a LEGO, there are few things worse than a spelling error that changes the entire meaning of what you were trying to say.   Chemistry Professor Cam Ical gave a talk on his recent research in thermochemistry last Thursday. S...

Unsuspecting student trampled by cross-country runners

Unsuspecting student trampled by cross-country runners

Bridget Beljan, Senior Writer

March 21, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

As the ice slowly melted off University grounds, students' worries of getting injured outside seemed to melt as well. However, the warmer weather brings an increase in pedestrian traffic, which has proven to be a recipe for disaster.   Jenny Target ’22 was in for a rude awakening on the...

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