The Bucknellian

Breaking Buck: University professor and senior manufacture 99.1% pure answer keys, on the run from PSAFE

Breaking Buck: University professor and senior manufacture 99.1% pure answer keys, on the run from PSAFE

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

November 8, 2018


Filed under Satire

According to a team of Public Safety officers, an unidentified chemistry professor and University senior are responsible for the illegal production of several thousand pounds of artificially pure homework answers applicable to nearly any assignment across the University catalog. Officials have stated...

Bucky’s Declassified X

Bucky’s Declassified X

November 8, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tip #98765 We’re reaching that pivotal point in the semester when both students and faculty collectively begin to give up. Grades start to drop, lectures end early, and everyone deep down prays that Thanksgiving break comes just a little bit faster. Remember to take things one day at a time and...

Beer Barn challenges new Natural Light 77-Pack with “Bucky Light” 144-Pack

Beer Barn challenges new Natural Light 77-Pack with “Bucky Light” 144-Pack

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

November 1, 2018


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Following the earth-shattering announcement that Natural Light will now be sold in cases of 77 cans, the Lewisburg Beer Barn has retaliated with a shocking business decision of its own. Feeling threatened by these new high-volume deliveries, the managers of the barn have upped the ante with an exclusive...

Susquehanna River Symposium reveals incredible health benefits of drinking river water

Alex Boyer, Staff Writer

November 1, 2018


Filed under Satire

Research studies unveiled at the University-hosted Susquehanna River Symposium have taken both the scientific and campus communities by storm. According to their findings, drinking large quantities of Susquehanna River water can actually impart significant health benefits, including an increased intake...

Spooktober Bucket List

Spooktober Bucket List

Kathleen McGivern, Contributing Writer

November 1, 2018


Filed under Satire

While Halloween may have come and gone, that doesn’t mean we have to say goodbye to the season of Spooktober just yet. The Bucknellian has compiled the ultimate bucket list for the perfect fall day at the University. Take some time to run through our Spooktober checklist and see how many you are...

Live-action Scooby-Doo movie to be filmed in “ghost town” downtown Lewisburg

Lewis Rizzoli, Contributing Writer

November 1, 2018


Filed under Satire

During the fall of 2019, the Scooby-Doo franchise will make its live-action debut in the heart of downtown Lewisburg. The beloved cartoon and film series will be shooting their next movie in the charming homes of St. Catharine Street. Ted Jones, the director of the movie, caught his first glimpse...

Bucky’s Declassified IX

Bucky’s Declassified IX

November 1, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tip #1010101 There are three types of people in the world: the people who think Halloweekend was last weekend, the people who think Halloweekend is this weekend, and the people who think Halloweekend is every weekend. Be Person #3. Tip #11101101 Having trouble coming up with the perfect Halloween...

Downhill students petition for University ski lift

Downhill students petition for University ski lift

Kathleen McGivern, Contributing Writer

October 25, 2018


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Students living downhill in Vedder Hall, Smith Hall, the Gateways, and the various Affinity Houses and downtown houses gathered together this past Sunday night to submit a petition for a ski lift along 7th Street that would transport them uphill towards the academic buildings. After years of coming to...

University Hunger Games erupts following cancellation of OEL programs

Lewis Rizzoli, Contributing Writer

October 25, 2018


Filed under Satire

Following an announcement from the University administration that warned about the imminent discharge of Outdoor Education & Leadership (OEL) programs, the student body has been up in arms about the future of physical activity for the community, both on and off-campus. According to the report, the...

“How to Be a Functioning Adult” course announced for spring graduates

“How to Be a Functioning Adult” course announced for spring graduates

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

October 25, 2018


Filed under Satire

Recognizing that a large number of students are unprepared for the world outside of the Christy Mathewson Gates, the University has announced a series of mandatory courses on how to be a functioning adult in society following Commencement. The class will focus on the basics of surviving adulthood and...

Pack of students spend night in University farm waiting for the Great Pumpkin

Alex Boyer, Staff Writer

October 25, 2018


Filed under Satire

The spooky season of Halloween is upon us. For many University students, that means partying, trick-or-treating, and showing off their finest midriff-bearing “costumes.” Others, however, celebrate the less-publicized but equally important tradition of waiting for the Great Pumpkin, a Santa-like fig...

Bucky’s Declassified VIII

Bucky’s Declassified VIII

October 25, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tip #12345 No party is ever full. It just reaches “capacity.” To get in, all you need is a written note with your professor’s approval and a decent elevator pitch for the people at the door. Always come prepared with a winning smile, a laminated resume, and a series of elaborate dance moves. ...

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