The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

2024 Commencement Student Speaker: Lea Tarzy
Alexandra Slofkiss: 2024 Commencement Soloist
Outstanding Senior Award: Bernadette Maramis
Excellence in Diversity and Inclusion: Gloria Sporea

Excellence in Diversity and Inclusion: Gloria Sporea

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Excellence in Athletics Award: Meghan Quinn

Excellence in Athletics Award: Meghan Quinn

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Excellence in the Arts Award: Joselyn Busato

Excellence in the Arts Award: Joselyn Busato

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Squirrels in my pants

Squirrels are animals of a startling nature. Although once the pets of Victorian children, they have since been forgotten and set loose to roam freely in the New York streets to live out their Kevin McCallister dreams. Now, it has come into fashion once again to keep squirrels as pets. While they are no longer symbols of the rich, they have become symbols of something even more synonymous with today’s current culture: mental instability.

Walking across Bucknell’s campus, one may frequently wonder: is that a squirrel or a particularly strange-looking dog? Despite their peculiar size, squirrels have been smuggled into dorms to be petted and fretted upon. After all, it is much more relaxing to take care of a rabid animal than one’s own mental state. Presumably, these squirrels are picked off the leafless trees to hibernate inside for the winter. We talked with many students who are proud squirrel owners, though they are under pseudonyms here, as it is illegal to keep squirrels as pets in Pennsylvania.

Loony Zoinks ’24 said, “My squirrel is brown-furred and likes Cheetos.”

Roger Wonka ’27 said, “I got my squirrel off the tree branch that hits my window when it’s windy.”

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Lastly, Gwen Batty ’26 claimed, “I had to sneak the squirrel inside. I shoved it into my pants and was like, please don’t scratch me.”

Shoving squirrels into pants is not unheard of, so we can see Batty’s train of thought in this admittedly dangerous escapade. In fact, the peak of visual culture, “Phineas and Ferb,” has a song titled “Squirrels in my Pants,” or “S.I.M.P.” for short. I, too, once shoved a guinea pig into my pants, though I stole bought it from Petco, so there was no risk of rabies.

Interestingly enough, in all of our interviews, students seemed relatively stable. None expressed the need for squirrels as emotional support animals, with the most squirrely ones being perhaps the creatures themselves. One could almost believe they fabricated tales to keep them in their dorm. Perhaps Bucknellians are simply bored and just need a squirrel to look at and say, “That’s a squirrel!”

Yet, we at “The Bucknellian” agree that having a squirrel would make one happier in life as long as that squirrel is in a cage. And it isn’t too expensive to keep. Also, hopefully, the squirrel doesn’t have rabies. Or feel a need to destroy personal items. Or have to poop.

You know what, I really don’t know why these students grabbed squirrels from outside. I would prefer a cat. But nevertheless, squirrels are the new emotional support animal of the century, so don’t miss out and grab one for free right now from your local grass!

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