Even though the world is on fire and the economy is in the tank, the University is so excited to see everyone at the virtual career fair next weekend.

University students, on the other hand, seem to be lacking the enthusiasm usually present at the event where they begin their march of monotony. The Bucknellian has secured an exclusive interview with those showing the most promise for a successful experience during the career fair.

Danny Detached ’20 conducted his interview in his formal attire of a University sweatshirt, basketball shorts with an 11-inch inseam and Ugg moccasins, all of which he plans to wear in the comfort of his bed when he hopefully meets his future employer for the first time. “First impressions mean everything,” Detached said while sipping on a Taco Bell Baja Blast. “I haven’t felt this confident about anything since — man, I don’t know — last year, I guess?”

While Detached seems surprised to face the reality of his lack of enthusiasm and vigor over the past nine months, Emma Enthusiast ’21 has a different outlook on the current situation. “Honestly, I’m excited to start this new chapter,” Enthusiast said. “I have always loved volunteering, and this feels like a great way to see all my options.”

When asked to elaborate on that point given the purpose of the event is to help students find prospective career paths, Enthusiast explained that none of the positions available will be offering any type of monetary compensation for the work provided by the students. “Since money doesn’t seem to be real anymore and the government has decided we can all live off of $1,200 for the entire year, employers are making the switch to full-time work without any offered pay as a way to cut down on company costs,” Enthusiast said.

While the lack of financial awareness and refusal to allow the world to knock her down is admirable in Enthusiast’s case, employers and students alike seem to have completely given up on maintaining any sense of social responsibility and are slowly sinking into the abyss of the unknown that is now our world.