The liquor store chronicles

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Graphic by Kyle Putt

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

As students, professors and Lewisburg residents head into the fourth week of classes, business is booming at the local liquor stores.

Due to the much dreaded and much-sooner-than-anticipated midterm season — and autumn, too — creeping around the corner, it’s safe to say people are drowning in work and also in alcohol. 

Because of COVID-19 (I promise I’m trying not to write about it too much), everyone seems to be S.O.L. on activities and other occupations because of the social distancing rules that need to be enforced and strictly adhered to (as they should be). 

This has resulted in much-higher-than-average revenues at the local liquor stores because of the number of students drinking to forget how stressful this semester is, the number of faculty members drinking to avoid grading homework, and also the number of first-years drinking themselves into an ambulance. That is a lot of alcohol and a lot of money.

Liquor store owners and employees provided some information to give our readers a sense of the severity of the situation regarding restocking and other important things.

“Unfortunately, I am not sure we will be able to sell any more White Claws for at least another couple of weeks,” said Jack Beers, owner of  “Beer Bros.”  “Somehow, all in one go, these huge biker guys came in and cleared us out, leather jackets and the whole shebang. It was literally the strangest thing I have ever seen. I think this pandemic is making everyone lose their minds,” said Beers. 

“I know exactly who is responsible for all of the empty Natural Light displays. I know exactly why all of the kegs are gone and why we cannot seem to reorder Coors Banquet and Bud Light,” Bud Sheltzer, owner of “Alcohol You Later,” said. “I’m picturing it and it’s the only thing getting me through these first few weeks of school; all of the frat guys sitting socially distanced from each other, sharing beers and hanging out, but not a single girl in sight.”

“I hate to break it to y’all, but it appears that all of our flavored Svedka has been secured by customers,” Sam Shirnoff, employee and assistant regional manager of “Office Supplies,” a chain liquor store, said. “Lots of girls, lots of fake ID’s. Not that I’d know, but that’s what I’ve heard. We actually had to fire a kid recently because he kept selling to his friends. Corona is driving everyone up the wall. Speaking of, we’re out of Corona as well.”

Drink responsibly and safely. Unless you’re over 21, because then I can’t tell you what to do.

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