University event causes minor mutations in student population

Max Bean, Contributing Writer

On Friday, Sept. 25, the University held a Just Desserts event around campus. Shortly after the event had ended, students began reporting a series of unusual phenomena.

“Once I had eaten that cookie I decorated, my ribs felt funny. Later that night, I found I had grown two more pairs of arms!” one sophomore said, whose name has not been disclosed for reasons of national security. “I had thought of going as Spider-Man this Halloween, but now I have to settle for Doc Oc.” After a nondescript white van drove this sophomore away,  I was told by some of his friends that he did not, in fact, like Marvel comics. 

After this unusual incident, I met up with another friend, who, to my surprise, had grown a third eye. Unfortunately for me, however, it ended up with him talking to me for two hours straight about the true answers to life, humanity’s purpose and how everything in all of history ties into his love for absurdist horse-themed calendars. With his third eye, he dutifully reported, “So, like, this is reality, man. The sky is sky, and red is just purple without the blue. Pigeons are like rats with wings except rats have that one tail thing. That’s actually like, to feel stuff though, like antennae. I can see thoughts, like the answers to all the tests, man. The Final for Quantum engineering, number seven is — hey wait!”

This student was dragged off by the enforcers of the Academic Integrity guidelines. 

It turns out that the ingredients baked into some of the desserts at the event were, indeed, radioactive. Instead of a horrible Godzilla-like creature intent on razing mankind’s vain accomplishments to the ground, this special radiation is now confirmed to cause superpowers. The effects of these ingredients are still unknown, but they are currently classified as Horseradish, Substance Y and Fredrick. Frederick stole my Student ID, so I didn’t trust him anyway. Substance Y is made from what the school serves in the cafeteria, some kind of “vegan macaroni extract” of indeterminate origin.  I had tried it myself at one point, but the noxious fumes forced me to stop and question my path in life. As for horseradish, there should be absolutely no explanation for its inclusion on this watchlist.

If you have consumed anything from the Just Desserts event, please stay inside. You could have some kind of third leg or something, and that would make pants cost a fortune — especially at the student bookstore. It’s best not to waste that money regardless. Do not bother going out, because you will look ridiculous. That shirt looks silly on you, anyway. If you develop a second mouth or nose, I would advise you to cover it up with a mask or a hat. If not, prepare to submit to authoritarian mask laws and stay inside for the rest of your college career.

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