How to get through the year

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

Have you ever had a really rough day and just sat back and relaxed, maybe read a book or did some knitting or yoga to calm yourself down?

Me neither. Alcohol is the perfect mix between “terrible choice” and “but I feel so much better.” You don’t even really have to make the choice; it is made for you, by you. 

I’m not going to lie to you, readers — I know all of us have been there. I do know that some of you are going to read this and say something like “No, I would NEVER do that!” Please wait until you have to get through your Quantitative Reasoning requirement class, then call me back. 

(If that doesn’t make you cave, maybe your W2 requirements will.)

Regardless, the Bison has taken it upon themselves to profit off of this innate desire to use alcohol to relax and unwind after a long day. 

They have begun to distribute mixed drinks (of course, only for those 21+ with a valid University ID) with a variety of names that even I, a satire writer, can appreciate. 

The “I Slept Through Class, Again” is a coffee beverage that can be served iced or hot with four shots of Bailey’s and, upon request, a mini digital alarm clock. This is one of their most popular drinks.

The “My Parents Are Coming To Visit” is similar to a mojito, but without the mint and sugar and distilled water and it uses tequila instead of rum. If you’re unfamiliar with a mojito, the modified version I’ve just outlined for you is simply tequila and lime juice. Upon request, they will provide a salted rim for an extra dollar because they know you want that salted rim. This drink is sold almost exclusively on the weekends or early in the morning on weekdays. 

The “Identity Crisis” is a mixture of vodka, tequila, strawberry liqueur, blue curacao, lemonade and soda water. If you’re having an identity crisis, you might as well have it on the beach, right? This one is the most popular daily drink, which I think tells an interesting story. 

Lastly, they offer the “Hangover Cure,” which does its job very well. This drink wakes you right up with five shots of rum, two of Malibu, maraschino cherries, pineapple juice and upon request, it comes with a free Natural Light and packet of ramen noodles. It is extremely popular on Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays. And Sunday nights. Sometimes Monday morning. 

Needless to say, I believe the Bison has seemed to take a lot of notes on college culture and has done their best to appeal to this crowd. When prompted, the staff told me they’ve never had such a great turnout. 

“Be safe, drink responsibly and try your best,” reads the sign next to the menu.

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