How to tell your hookup you have COVID

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

I am sure you have all seen those horror story posts on 5thyear or Barstool or an equivalent — the one where someone receives a text that says, “One of your sexual partners has tested positive for this STD…”

What you might not have seen is the same text, but saying you’ve been in contact with someone who had COVID-19. Even more worrisome, however, is that you could receive it for any reason, not just from a sexual partner. 

Today, I want to talk about tactics you can take advantage of if you find out you have the coronavirus and the best way to tell your hookup, specifically, that you have it. 

  1. Text them a simple “You might want to get tested!” And maybe add a smiley face or something at the end to lessen the blow. 
  2. Hire a carrier pigeon to take them a detailed note. Extra points if you write the entire thing in cursive and even more points if it’s in old English.
  3. Telephone game. Tell someone to tell someone else and then have that someone tell someone else until it gets back to your hookup. 
  4. Send them an Edible Arrangement with a note saying they need to get a test done. 
  5. Send them a private message on Zoom if you have a class together. Extra points if you send it to the whole class.
  6. Send them a mask with your note written across the part that goes on your face. 
  7. Send them a 30-rack of Natural Light with Sharpie marks around where you touched so they know where not to touch, and include a note explaining this is for the celebration when they get their negative test back — whenever that may be. 
  8. If you had to do a walk of shame and borrowed clothes from them, wash the clothes and return them with a note. 
  9. Find their car and use your finger to write in the dust on the hood, “You might want to get a COVID test.” 
  10. Just tell them like a decent person would. But that’s ridiculous. Who would do that?
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