Voting locations add some spice to Election Day

Liz Whitmer, Satire Co-Editor

Polling locations for University students have recently changed, right on the eve of a monumental election that most will inevitably forget about but still complain about the results immediately after. These changes come just in time to confuse students about where to go, frustrate them with conflicting information and deter them from voting altogether. Isn’t that what voting is all about?

Lucky for you few conscientious students, our reporters have done the dirty work for you and made an easy guide for where you need to be on Nov. 3 between classes, club meetings, practices and study groups, none of which will be canceled.

If you live uphill and have brown or blue eyes, you will be voting in the gym facilities, making it one of the farthest places you can travel. Hopefully it won’t be raining. However, if you live uphill and you have green eyes, you get to vote in the Commons, and if you have hazel eyes you can choose whichever polling location you see fit. The rules are pretty arbitrary and meaningless, anyway.

As for you downhill folks, eye color is completely irrelevant. Hooray. Instead, you simply go to the polling booth assigned to the “Sex and the City” character with which you most align. And be realistic. We can’t all be a Carrie.

Meanwhile, for those of you who are lucky enough to live in the metal little sheds on the other side of campus, your ballot will be brought to your doorstep so you will never have to lift a finger.

No matter where you go, you will be waiting for a minimum of three hours regardless of the time of day, so make sure you cancel all plans and blow off any responsibilities you may have. This election may be the most important of our lifetimes, so instead of making voting easier, you will only be mercilessly shamed when you are unable to vote. 

We hope everyone has a fun election day.

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