A scientific fact: Lawn signs must be controversial

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

This election year, perhaps more than any other, there seemed to be an excessive amount of lawn signs placed outside of people’s homes. Sometimes there was one small sign in the front yard, demonstrating support. Sometimes there were 30 small signs in the front yard, as well as flags and banners on the houses and their cars, which just looks more like an obsession. 

There exists a wide variety of signs you could’ve seen: “Drain the Swamp,” “Settle for Biden-Harris,” “Women for Trump,” “Christians for Biden,” “Any Functioning Adult 2020,” “Bye Don 2020” or, my personal favorite, “All Hail Megatron Global Domination.” If this doesn’t describe the political climate leading up to Election Day, I’m not sure what does. 

You’ve also seen the sign wars. There are the same few houses you pass every day on your commute to work or school or wherever you go, and the first time you pass by, someone’s got a “Women for Trump” sign outside. That doesn’t even make sense, so you don’t think much of it. 

But then the next time you go to work, you see their neighbor is sporting a “Settle for Biden-Harris” sign out front. “Yeah, they’re definitely settling,” you think, and continue on with your day. By the time you pass those houses for the fifth or sixth time, there’s a full-on sign war, with Trump flags everywhere on the first house and their neighbors sporting their pride and BLM flags. 

So, through evidence and cold hard facts, my deductions indicate that lawn signs must always be controversial. I have never seen a lawn sign that was not controversial (this includes ones with a religious agenda; why do you care if there’s dust on my Bible? Pretty sure the Codex Vaticanus has dust on it, too) and that is a scientific fact. 

Let’s do better. Let’s be better. Let us find the strength within us to not engage in silly “sign wars” with our neighbors, but rather remember you can’t legislate morals. Or idiots. 

Let’s normalize using lawn signs for something that truly needs to be said. Let’s normalize sharing our beliefs with everyone so that everyone can know exactly what I want come Nov. 3, and every day after. 

I got to work, and as I stuck my lawn sign in the cold, hard dirt and frosty grass, I smiled. Now I can share my agenda with everyone.

“Helen Keller Was A Fraud,” it reads. I step back and admire my work.

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