Biden the Bingo prodigy

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

Election Day 2020 did not go as planned. The country is in a state of unrest, turmoil and fear. Nobody knows what will happen or when we will know who the next president will be. 

One person in the entire country is sleeping well tonight, and it’s former Vice President of the United States Joseph R. Biden. The former vice president was recently seen checking into an assisted living facility, accompanied by his wife, Jill, and his son Hunter, who has been repeatedly slammed for drug problems as well as allegations of suspicious activity in China and Ukraine. 

Biden apparently has not been handling the stress of the election very well, and although some might say he is unfit to be the next President of the United States, others would argue that he is a really, really good Bingo player and that he enjoys long walks around his room and likes to spend time with his family.

Time and time again, Biden’s old age has caused many to question whether he is the best fit for president (let me remind you, Biden is 77 years old, and U.S. President Donald Trump is 74 years old, and the United States life expectancy in 2020 is almost 79 years old). But the people of America’s suspicions and uncertainties were confirmed when Biden checked into the assisted living facility. 

An inside source has confirmed that yes, Biden is a fantastic, really outstanding bingo player, one of the best they’ve ever seen. It’s also worth mentioning that Biden apparently has never been late for a single meal, a record in the facility he now calls home. Biden’s lightning speed apparently helps him out with this a lot, so even if he is busy with election stuff, he can run over and eat in between conferences and speeches.

One of the more pressing questions we have yet to know the answer to is this: if Biden does pull through and win the presidential election, where will he live? Will they turn the White House into an assisted living facility, or will he just perform his duties as President of the United States from the comfort of his room? I’m curious to see how that will work.

Since I have spent so much of this article making fun of how old Biden is, let’s remember that one time he played “Despacito” at a Hispanic Heritage Month event. That was really hip and cool of him to do. I think that’s why all the young people voted for him. That must be it. 

The new criteria for determining if a presidential candidate is too old should be that they need to make a meme that is relevant to current and trending pop culture that actually makes sense. But I feel like Trump would go straight for WAP and I’m just not sure if I’m ready to see that.

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