KLARC recruits fraternity risk managers to monitor weight room occupancy

Ted Kennedy, Contributing Writer

“Well, at first we had one of the guys from physical therapy monitoring everything, but that wasn’t working too well,” answers a KLARC administrator on how they’ve been keeping up with enforcing the latest in COVID protocol. “Grown adults trying to do their jobs and college kids are like oil on water- they just don’t mix,” he continues, “but turns out, you throw a few Greek letters on a crew neck t-shirt and bam, it’s a world of a difference.” 

After numerous failed attempts of keeping weight room occupancy down and far too many sightings of chin-strap mask wearers, the KLARC has opted for the unorthodox, yet surprisingly effective authority of fraternity risk managers to keep the gym disease-free. Many of the fraternities from around campus were excited to lend a hand in the gym due the lack of downtown gatherings. Not only were the brothers fiending to get back into mixer life, risk managers were itching for the simple pleasure of yelling at gaggles of eager freshmen to, “Get the hell out of my yard.” 

Risk managers are built for keeping the party freshman-free, much like a bouncer at a nightclub, but minus 150 lbs, approximately a third of the combat experience, and two times as much steez. Yet how would these skills transition to being on door… at the weight room? Many of the same tactics are at play. 

Upon a person approaching the weight room door, the first task of the risk manager is to ascertain the gym’s occupancy (or at least pretend to, the hopeful lifter/freshman never questions a risk manager’s judgement). Less than six people? This guy’s good to go. But what if the weight room’s all full? A good risk manager would be appropriate to respond in any of the following ways: “Sorry buddy, tonight’s not the night,” or “Hey buddy, take a lap, come back in thirty minutes and we’ll talk,” as well as “Get the hell out of my gym,” are all effective taglines. 

Fraternity risk managers continue to bring their own flare to their new venture. As much as their job is to turn people away, working the door also provides plentiful opportunities to meet potential new friends. Managers are always open to hear a good joke or provocative riddle from an eager lifter, and they won’t hesitate to take the helm of the conversation themselves, perhaps headed with a light-hearted quiz along the lines of, “Name five chest exercises.” Being fraternity men, risk managers are regular socialites, and will give a timid lifter a friendly nudge if they see fit. They’ll introduce these novices to gym culture perhaps by rousing a C4 Pre-Workout chug off, or linking them the dopest Big Booty Mix to set the scene for a great pump. 

The “new normal” looks bright for the risk managers of Bucknell Greek life, they plan on implementing fun themes for students to liven things up. Mark your calendar for “Risky Business” in the weight room this Friday.

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