Finding love in a hopeless place

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

As COVID-19 cases rise and the pandemic continues, it can be hard to feel hopeful. Or motivated. Or find your will to live. Or focus on anything that you used to think was important.

However, hope is still out there! You might be miserable and lonely, but at least a COVID-19 test administrator and a student can find love in a hopeless place: namely, the Student Health center’s sequential testing setup in the KLARC.

When pressed for details, the student told me the nose swab felt “more intimate than anything I had done in weeks, probably months. I thought sleeping six feet apart from my roommate was the most intimate form of human interaction I’d had since the pandemic began in March, but that was obviously topped by this COVID-19 test.”

I was trying my best not to throw up everywhere as she explained to me how “it felt as though time had stopped, that my randomly assigned test administrator and I were just meant to be there at the same time that day.” She also asked me if I believe in love at first sight.

Gross. Then I asked the administrator about how this changed his outlook on the pandemic. He explained that “when we made eye contact during the nose swabbing through the thick condensation that had built up on our glasses because of the masks, I felt so at peace. I forgot I was quite literally labeling her snot in a vial to see if she has COVID-19, that’s how lost in the moment I was. And nobody looks good when you swab their nose, but she managed to pull it off.”

That sounds made-up to me, only because I don’t think it’s possible to look attractive to the person who is sticking a giant Q-tip up your nose; I mean, they can probably see your nose hair and everything. That does not seem like a likely setting to meet your future partner.

All I could think about while they were telling me what happened during that fateful COVID-19 test was that, between the layers of latex gloves and masks and face shields and hospital gown, it must be hard to tell what they look like to each other.

Maybe they’ll meet someday soon and feel like they were catfished. Masks can be sort of catfish-esque. Hopefully this couple has better luck than others who met up and realized too late that the bottom half of your face is actually essential to knowing what someone truly looks like!

But, as I mentioned before, they did find love in a hopeless place! When pressed further, the pair admitted they would be planning a social distanced outing together in order to explore what had been sparked by their intimate interaction at the KLARC testing site. They did say they would NOT be doing this at the KLARC, because that would be super weird.

For the rest of you lonely people, continue getting tested once a week and stay safe!

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