There are more important things than the pandemic!

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

Over the last week, world leaders have demonstrated a dramatic shift in attitudes toward the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. Almost suspiciously at the same time, they have started to come out and share with the media that there are “much more important things” than the pandemic.

One of the first to speak on this drastic shift in attitude was the President of the United States. He got the ball rolling by asking the important question of: “WHY in the world do we BAKE cookies and COOK bacon? Why must we PARK on driveways and DRIVE on parkways?” The president then threatened to stop the forward momentum of the plan to vaccinate and protect Americans against the coronavirus “unless someone figures out an answer quickly so I can go to sleep.”

Soon after, the Queen of England came forward, stating that she “can’t seem to stop thinking about how straws actually only have one hole, not two.” She added that although this might seem like common knowledge, she hasn’t had time to sit around and just think about stuff like that until the pandemic. She declined to comment (and looked like she was going to be sick) when prompted about the fact that you can always see your nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it.

Pope Francis, also known as the Sovereign of Vatican City, was seen crying outside of church because he doesn’t understand “why God would make there exist more atoms in a teaspoon of water than there are teaspoons of water in the ocean.” It appeared to be too much for him to handle, as he actually went inside to get a teaspoon of water and broke down at the sight of it (to be fair to God, it would take a very long time to empty all those teaspoons in the ocean).

King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden experienced a similar reaction upon discovering that he cannot think of a new color that does not already exist. Upon finding this out, he ran from the room, yelling, “Helig fan! Vad fan! Jag kan inte tro den här skiten!” Trusted sources say he is a “little bit worked up right now,” and assure those worried by his reaction that “he will be okay after he takes a nap.”

Ireland is in a state of disarray after President Michael D. Higgins announced that “nothing, absolutely nothing” is more important than the fact that “BARCODE SCANNERS SCAN THE WHITE PART, NOT THE [redacted] BLACK PART!” The whole country re-imposed lockdown to protect citizens from this terrifying news. And here they thought staying in their rooms for months was coming to an end!

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