Animal Behavior department announces plan to stop parties by releasing “the research monkeys”

Nabeel Jan

LEWISBURG – In an attempt to keep infection rates low and prevent transmission of the novel coronavirus (COVID-19), the animal behavior department, in collaboration with Public Safety, the President’s office, and the local police department will start releasing the research chimpanzees across campus during weekend hours when partying is at its peak. Originally proposed as a psychological warfare tactic by a sadistic first-year in a political science class, the plan includes depriving the monkeys of food and other necessities for approximately 12 hours before their release. The proposal would let them roam campus from 10:00 p.m. on Friday until 3:00 a.m. on Saturday, as well as 11:30 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. on Wednesdays. They will be driven to drop-off locations around campus and let out to hunt COVID-19 restriction violators. Professors have been quiet about discussing concrete details regarding the plan to ensure they can take wandering students by surprise.

“Hopefully this Chimp plan will stop the kids from monkeying around,” said Professor Boe Ring, smirking, to a deafeningly silent class. Another mentioned, “The scariest thing I could imagine as a drunk 20-year-old is hearing and then subsequently seeing a hungry, furious primate run at you with hate in its eyes. Good luck if you think a blue light will save you, half of them don’t work!” A representative from the local police said this program “seems excessive, but it’s preferable to being vomited on by a teen who probably has COVID-19, along with two or three STDs.”

Advocates for this plan are hopeful it will keep kids inside and away from others. The history department has begun dropping leaflets near dorms warning students of the new policy and a source within the University’s maintenance department leaked that the salt being sprayed on icy sidewalks contains chemicals that attract the primates. Critics have warned of the possible downsides including injury and death of students, but no attention has been paid to their warnings. Early reports show certain upperclassmen groups have begun training campus squirrels as first lines of defense due to their brave, unflinchingly loyal tendencies.

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