University “Law and Order”: Special investigation in a freshman dorm

Max Bean, Staff Writer

8:35am– A lone mask was found abandoned outside of room [REDACTED] in Smith Hall by a concerned student. Model is a standard ASTM F2100. University Public Safety is dispatched to the scene. Injustice cannot reign on our streets.

9:23am– Search for owner has proved inconclusive. Main tenant is one Francis Jenner. Jenner has a roommate, who is nowhere to be found. Jenner says that the mask on the floor was not his. A thorough search revealed a pack of two-hundred (200) ASTM F2100-models under his roommate’s bed. Out of the two-hundred (200) masks packed in, there are only seven (7) missing.

11:49am–Jenner’s roommate found sleeping on a couch in Vedder Hall. Name given as Stephen Starz. Starz confirmed he owned the pack. Statement given that he was not in the room when the mask was dropped. He was at a “total rager dude, you should have been there.” He further confirmed that this “total rager” was socially distant and COVID-friendly (although COVID-19 itself was not invited much to its dismay).

2:08pm– Other students in the hall questioned. No clear answers. Some claim they saw Starz, but impromptu drug tests revealed these individuals to have ingested copious amounts of marijuana (the devil’s lettuce) within the last 72 hours.

4:12pm– Case officially at a standstill. Public Safety morale is low, but Johnson is about to give a loud speech and stands on top of the desk.

“We…are all…in this…[together]”. 

Johnson steps down from the desk to rapturous applause. Turns out it was a raging success. Men are reinvigorated. Women are empowered. Howitzer ran up to the chief with a new revelation in her hands.

5:33pm– Starz never actually confirmed that he did not drop the mask outside the hall. He only said he “was not in the room when it was dropped.” The mask was already dropped “outside the room!” Starz is immediately arrested and deported off campus for breaking COVID-19 guidelines (and also littering). Justice is served, and the campus is safe again. In the University justice system, the students are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the Public Safety officer who investigate crime and the administration who prosecute the offenders. This was their story.

11:59pm– Jenner picks up the discarded mask and tosses it out. Jenner then draws another one from Starz’ pack, bringing the total down to one-hundred and ninety-two (192) masks in the pack. He coughs into his newest one and drops it on the floor.

“Well this one’s ruined.”

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