Are college students really adults?

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

There is a common misconception that when you drop your kid off at college for the first time they will spend the next four years learning how to be self-sufficient and independent, flourishing in a new academic environment and learning to navigate the space between teenager and adult. 

This is wildly incorrect. Never in the history of humankind has anyone ever considered a typical college student to be an adult, especially before their last semester when they actually have to look for a job. How are you supposed to bring anyone home after a night at the bar if the place you sleep is in your parents’ basement?

College students are not adults for a slew of reasons, but one of the arguably most striking examples is that college kids have sex on weeknights. They also have STDs. I’m pretty sure most adults don’t do that because they’re so tired from doing important adult stuff all day. And hopefully not many adults have STDs, either. 

I’m also pretty sure most adults don’t drink more than six days a week. That’s called being an alcoholic, especially after graduation. 

College kids also can’t use microwaves correctly. The freshman dorms’ fire alarms go off a combined 37 times per month for a reason. Many are the byproducts of some poor kids burning their popcorn or forgetting to add water to their ramen. 

Students at the University also seem to get really excited about going to Walmart, which is no longer fun when you’re an adult. If you’re going to Walmart as an adult, you probably have to do something lame, like provide food and toiletries for your family. It’s way more fun when you’re going to buy stuff for your college dorm room. 

Don’t get me wrong, the government says at age 18 you’re legally an adult. But I just don’t think the same person that got too drunk and ripped the water fountain out of the wall should be held legally responsible for anything, especially something important like a mortgage.

What’s even stranger is that the day after graduation, the same people who forget to put the water in their ramen and have no idea how to do their laundry without calling their mom are suddenly considered adults! Good luck out there. Make sure you put water in your ramen.

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