Overapologetic Bros Hold Up Lines Across Campus

Elyssa Penson, Staff Writer

Over the past week, self-proclaimed “bros” Brody and Cody have been caught in a continuous apology loop and have been holding up lines all across campus. Coffee sales at the library have slowed to a halt, letters have piled up in the mailroom and, worst of all, classes remain unaffected. Although we could not have possibly recorded the conversation in its entirety, we were able to obtain a transcript of an isolated incident.

The transcript:

Brody: “Dude, I’m sorry.”

Cody: “No need to apologize.”

Brody: “Well, I feel like I should at least send a card with some thoughtful remarks.”

Cody: “Dude, last week you filled my mailbox with Hallmark cards…and dropped off a bag of handwritten letters, and when I said we were good, you sent me a list of heartfelt compliments.”

Brody: “Sorry, I knew that was too much. I just thought the personalized M&Ms weren’t enough.”

Cody: “No, bro, I’m sorry if I made you feel like they weren’t enough. I just need you to chill. If anything, this fight will strengthen our friendship.”

Jody, Seventh Street Cafe employee: “Are you guys going to order something?”

Brody: “Bro, I can’t believe I forgot our 2 and ¾ year ‘friend-iversary.’ How often can you say you’ve been friends for 638 and ¾ of a day?”

Cody: “Like never, bro. That’s why I ordered 638 and ¾ turtle doves to fly off into the sunset.”

Brody: “How did you get ¾ of a dove?”

Cody: “He’s ¼ parakeet on his mom’s side.”

Brody: “Hey, did I tell you my dog just died.”

Cody: “I’m sorry, bro, how old was he?”

Brody: “97.”

Cody: “That sucks, bro. In dog years?”

Brody: “No.”

Cody: “Huh, well you never expect it.”

Brody: “No, you never do.”

Cody: “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Brody: “I’m sorry for forgetting our ‘friend-iversary.’”

Jody: “Can you two leave?”

Brody: “Well, she was mean.”

Cody: “Dude, she just doesn’t get our friendship.”

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