Super Saturday trickles into Splendid Sunday, Magnificent Monday, Terrific Tuesday

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

As spring continues into April at the University, the sun is out and the Super Saturday festivities continue. The run-down houses of downtown are yet again sporting their routine backyards full of Princess Polly-clad girls and khaki-wearing die champions. 

This past week, however, something was in the water at the University. Instead of Super Saturday lasting for a few hours, before the campus-wide phenomenon dubbed “post-super nap,” before downtown becomes full of the same perpetrators, Super Saturday continued all day into the night. 

Furthermore, Saturday night didn’t stop the students from their outings. Splendid Sunday commenced at 12 a.m. sharp, and lasted for exactly 24 hours until Magnificent Monday began at 12 a.m. the following day, only to be followed by Terrific Tuesday. At 12 a.m. precisely after Terrific Tuesday, the students partaking in the four-day long celebration all walked, zombie-like, in a horde back to their respective residences. 

Not everyone made it. Some students slept in the grass, some slept underneath bushes to avoid suspicion, and some even slept on the banks of the Susquehanna so they would have to move as little as possible to get fresh water from the source come Wednesday morning.

“It was actually my idea to sleep on the riverbanks,” Hannah Suskee ’21 said. “I thought it would maximize efficiency because when we woke up Wednesday morning after our four-day outing we would only have to crawl a few feet to get fresh water, straight from the source!”

A four-day outing is usually called a “bender,” and it’s highly recommended you do NOT drink the Susquehanna water. It’s a good idea to refrain from drinking the water of rivers, lakes or other bodies of water where its inhabitants suffer from severe genetic mutations, like the three-eyed fish known to inhabit the Susquehanna.

Wednesday morning, it was reported that approximately three-quarters of campus were hungover from the events that had transpired the days prior. An impressive feat, no doubt, but no different than most Saturday and Sunday mornings. 

It was also reported that water fountains all over campus were fully drained of their clean water early Wednesday morning, causing absolute pandemonium and Walmart to sell out of Pedialyte.

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