A reflection of that thing on my face

Max Bean, Staff Writer

With everything winding down in terms of COVID-19, there’s hope for us to reach the Shangri-La of freedom: letting go of our face masks. It’s clear that these opaque fabrics have helped us plenty during these troubled times. Sure, they definitely prohibited us from hugging our parents, but look at the super-special workout our lungs performed daily!  Who needs to get out and exercise when we can go to class all masked up?  Hey, that’s what I told my doctor when I got my last virtual physical over break. The day we will remove our masks is the day we recognize that masks are polluting our water. Chemicals in masks are toxic, and they cannot help the fish breathe easier by keeping the scary molecules out.

What even is a mask, anyway? What fabrics make a mask? Is it what the doctors or nurses use once, or is it the cloth that we wear all day for weeks on end?  I mean, they should probably be washed or something, but I’m trying to save money for DoorDash. By the way, how many layers of cloth masks make up the protection of one medical mask? Is there an algorithm? I see so many people with two masks on, but doesn’t it strain the ears? Isn’t there a mask that has thrice the protection without this added strain? My earlobes are killing me! It would help with the breathing, too — that is what my doctor said. He also mentioned doing actual exercise, but I only listened to specific parts of his advice. 

Plus, there are lots of philosophical and spiritual questions about this subject that I will likely never understand. When the time of masks is over, will it be too late to remove it as the cultural staple it tries to be today? I mean, how many fashion businesses are going into debt because they haven’t capitalized on the whole “mask” thing? This is going to send the economy into shambles! Worse of all, when they do catch up, people are going to be so over it by then because fashion is a fickle beast. So now they’ll have a surplus of these leopard-patterned or whatever animal facemask things they have and nobody will want to buy them. Not to forget to mention the Halloween shops — we already have our costumes! Because all of this is happening all at once, the economy is going to just collapse!

One bright spot — the day when masks are gone, people with glasses will rejoice because their breath will stop fogging up their glasses. If their breath doesn’t, it just proves that their mask is awful and they should feel bad. Even so, why wouldn’t those people just wear goggles? Be like those cool science people from the movies! Lots of people wear goggles, like swimmers, scientists and hunters. I mean, you can use goggles for so many awesome things. They should be just as important as face masks. Not only do they improve sight, but they also won’t fog up as much. Besides that, people can’t see my mouth, but what if they couldn’t see my eyes either? I’d be Mr. Mysterious over here, but it still wouldn’t help my romantic aspirations. Not only can you not see my face with this on, but my personality (expressed through sarcasm and dry humor) would be completely muffled.

I mean, listen, there are more and more mask variants being produced every day. There are tiny nose masks (effective when eating), clear face coverings and eventually face mask hazmat suits. I don’t know when face masks will end, and neither do the people in charge. Just remember to take a breath every once in a while when nobody is around. My doctor said so.

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