Campus GPA skyrockets after library cafe puts Adderall in coffee

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

Students at the University are tired and worn down as they near the end of the spring semester. Only a few weeks of class remain, and a lot of students are struggling to maintain their motivation and grades with the lack of spring break. 

Last week, however, the campus-wide GPA rose to a 3.9, a shock for professors in all three colleges, especially given the unusual campus climate.

This drastic increase in grade point averages coincidentally takes place less than a few days after the library’s café introduced a new coffee beverage. The new beverage, “Liquid Productivity,” sports an extra shot of espresso and a pinch of Adderall. 

“Yeah, I actually didn’t realize there was Adderall in it at all, but now I’m feeling super hyped up. I actually just finished my entire week’s homework today in the two hours I’ve been here. I might run home with my backpack on, I have so much energy. Maybe I’ll run home and back and then do next week’s homework. I’m bouncing off the walls here,” Ty Red ’23 said. 

It’s important that you are careful with your caffeine intake as well as monitor your Adderall intake. It’s recommended that you don’t drink more than one “Liquid Productivity” a day, because you can put yourself at risk for heart issues. 

“I am much more worried about my grades than possible heart issues,” Addy Raul ’22 said. “At least if I have heart problems I won’t have to do homework.”

In conjunction with the skyrocketing overall average GPA, apparently some students are using their newfound bursts of productivity to construct and paint intricate die tables, which are being displayed in the backyard of each fraternity house. It’s also rumored that someone went through the entire library and organized each book by “best-looking author.” Not to mention that the bison statue displayed in front of the KLARC has been painted a hyper-realistic blue-and-orange sweater vest with white trim. 

The library café has declined to comment on the situation in the midst of course registration for the fall.

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