University survey shows 74% of students are liars

Elyssa Penson, Staff Writer

Shocking new data compiled from campus surveys — in which professors and Public Safety officers were peering over students’ shoulders during the entirety of their answering process — show that 74 percent of students drink once a month, or less, or half as much or not at all. In addition, results from the University’s recent survey show that 90 percent of college students refuse to take surveys, but assure readers that this sample size is still accurate and trustworthy. Furthermore, 86 percent of those students willing to complete the survey admitted to reading the questions some of the time, half of the time or not at all. 

After extreme and unwarranted backlash regarding the surveying process, the University has asked students to compile their own statistics on campus life. This initiative has generated a wealth of useful information. For example, did you know that 47 percent of students have studied abroad? Meanwhile, that number skyrockets when inquiring which students are aware of study abroad as 100 percent of the friends of those foreign travelers have heard about it. Or, that 23 percent of students travel to class via rollerblade, vespa, or motorized skateboard? And a mere 68 percent of students laugh when they wipe out. 

Interestingly, only 22 percent of students admit to falling asleep in class… but that’s just because they got caught snoring or drooling on a desk. The average class size is 20 students, with a 9:1 student to faculty ratio. That’s nearly two and a quarter professors teaching one class. Also, a whopping 100 percent of classes are taught by faculty. That’s zero percent more than you’d think it would be!

These findings prove to be useful to the student body as a whole, and the University administration is excited about their new initiative to cover every public campus space with fun infographics of this report.

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