Is online shopping or coffee more addictive?

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

For students at the University, the student mail room is equipped with a bunch of handy features that make your mail experience as flawless and enjoyable as possible.  They have lockers that open when you present the QR code that was sent to your phone to inform you that you have a package, and they also have a feature where you receive a text when your package is placed into one of these lockers. Students have reported that their serotonin and dopamine levels skyrocket when they get that text from the 888 area code with an attached description of which row to find the appropriate locker containing your package. 

The rows of lockers are all named after traits, such as Ambition and Passion. “They should’ve called each row something cooler, like Vivacious or Funky or Affable,” Kate Column ’21 said. “That’s my only complaint. Otherwise, the mail facility is perfect.”

It is universally understood by all students that the sensation when you receive a package is addictive, which has actually caused some students to succumb to online shopping addictions. 

“I literally can’t stop ordering my groceries on Amazon Prime,” Ki Locke ’23 said. “Instead of driving the mile to Giant to buy them myself, I’d much rather have them shipped from Amazon so I can go get a package. It’s literally the best feeling ever. It’s way better than coffee.”

Locke’s comment has become the spark of a controversial debate, emerging among students at the University. The debate aims to answer the question, “Is online shopping or coffee more addictive?”

“Nothing feels better than drinking my first coffee of the day from my favorite fine beverage establishment, the Dunkin’ Donuts on Route 15,” Kay Latte ’22 said. “Coffee has never once failed me in preparing for exams, doing homework or just finding the energy to get out of bed when I’m hungover. It really is the nectar of the gods.”

Some say that getting a package is better than sex, regardless of what the package is, thanks to the University’s student mail room features, while some argue coffee has always been and will always be superior, especially when it’s from the library. My personal opinion is that getting a package is one of the top two best things ever and it isn’t second.

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