10 specific excuses for getting out of things now that you can’t blame COVID

Nabeel Jan, Contributing Writer

Pfizer Themed: Your custom Pfizer visor hasn’t come in yet.

Pros: You now have an excuse to buy a visor from big pharma. This one builds anticipation for when you eventually do go out.

Cons: You look a little pretentious.

Moderna Themed: There wasn’t enough engagement on your vaccine card insta story. You need some time to reset emotionally.

Pros: A real issue, hope you get through it. Nobody’s going to argue with you.

Cons: Makes you look a little bit like a tool. 

AstraZeneca Themed: You’re the first person to ever get the AstraZeneca vax, so scientists are watching your every move.

Pros: Nobody will ever push back on this — getting an AstraZeneca vax is unheard of. You’re so off-brand; you’re so different.

Cons: You have an off-brand vaccine.

Excuses for: Frat Parties

You’re allergic to the metal that Kegs are made of.

Pros: There’s universal appeal to this excuse; it can be used anywhere, anytime. Also, it makes you quirky/different, so you’ll still seem cool. Guys won’t question you on it, as most of them are in management or accounting anyway.

Cons: The occasional engineer will try to fight you on it. They might offer you a few lukewarm White Claws retrieved by a pledge. Might come back to bite you when you end up going out the next week.

Seeing people play beer die triggers your vertigo.

Pros: Gets you out of any darty. You’ll never have to Google the rules to die.

Cons: You’ll probably get offered a spot in flip cup or pong instead. You might get stuck making weird small talk with the people waiting their turn.

Dua Lipa killed your great aunt, so hearing any of her music brings up bad memories.

Pros: Guarantees you won’t have to go to any party. Works as a cool story to eliminate small talk.

Cons: Her lawyer will hunt you down. Her significant Twitter following will find those old tweets you posted when you were 12 and cancel you.

Excuses for: Improv/A Capella Shows

You met your freshman year boyfriend in Coleman, so you don’t want to go back.

Pros: Makes people think you’re mature enough to have had serious relationships. Insinuates you meet people in class, which makes you cultured.

Cons: You can never take a humanities class again. You can’t use it to get out of Poli Sci events in Ac West.

You were given attention as a child, so you don’t really see the appeal.

Pros: Cool flex — gives you a sense of superiority. Makes parents happy they did something right.

Cons: It’s a lie. 

You can’t come because it reminds you of the street performers from your study abroad in Barcelona.

Pros: Have I told you about that semester I spent in Barcelona? It changed my life.

Cons: You have to earnestly pronounce the “th” in Bar- th- elona.

Bonus Vague Excuses:

You’re scared of the dark.

Pros: This is a valid excuse. People who say adults shouldn’t be scared of the dark are lying to themselves. How do you sleep with your toes peeking out of the blanket; are you not scared of the monsters? What about that weird sound that’s coming from the bushes at 2 a.m. when you’re walking back from the bar alone?

Cons: People will look at you weird.

You have a big day tomorrow!

Pros: You don’t. You’ll wake up at 10, scroll through Tik Tok for an hour, and then get Dunkin.

Cons: Vague enough that nobody will ever question you.

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