Shocking! Senioritis rages across University

Max Bean, Senior Writer

The end of the semester is close, and cases are rising like a rocket at the Kennedy Space Center. That’s right, Senioritis has struck campus, and faculty couldn’t be more frightened. Although onsets of Senioritis have plagued the world since the invention of the Senior, this year has been particularly severe, with the malady spreading throughout the Senior class and going to infect even the low-lives of the Freshmen themselves. Thankfully the University has taken many precautions, including emergency injections of epinephrine into the student population. Despite the high amount of shots, cases just keep getting worse. Finals are approaching, and with this infection at an all-time high, students are worried about their performances. Those who are not worried are to be quarantined in their rooms until further notice. 

The symptoms of Senioritis are a dramatic increase in apathy, tomfoolery, sleeping, alcoholism, absenteeism, raisins, laziness and reliance on your parents. Others may include a decrease in hard work, gumption and brain activity, though the second one is questionable. Aforementioned shots of epinephrine are useful in stimulating the student into action, but similar results can be attained by shouting at the afflicted students very loudly to “get off your [butt], and get some work done so you won’t have to live at home for [crying out loud]!” Cursing is optional and is often effective with most students.

Either way, if you or your friends are exhibiting any of these symptoms, please notify your nearest University official immediately. Senioritis is communicated through body language and speech, so affected students are being sent into isolation housing for their own safety. Despite these actions, further developments are in motion to give every student airhorns so such infectious attitudes don’t spread further. Other developments include complimentary duct tape, ear plugs (for the airhorns), and a complete removal of the word “Senioritis” from the local dictionaries. 

One last note. As we finish out the year, it is difficult not to get complacent in the culture of non-complacency that we have cultured here. As the audacious, intrepid journalists we are, it is our job to caution you against the scourge of every bad thing imaginable, from disease to injustice, and that responsibility gives us every right to criticize your awful fashion choices, Todd. For now though, since I am told that this is our last issue, I must bid you, as the French say, Adieu. I think I’m gonna just sleep for the rest of the day. Classes? I don’t care about those. Class is going to end in a few weeks anyway. I’ll just get everything done the day before, no big deal. A job? Who needs those. I’ll just, like, go back home and get my parents to pay for everything.

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