Students Helplessly Try to Figure Out the Meaning of FDOC

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Content Co-Editor

It is late August at the University, and classes have not yet begun again. Summer seemed to fly by, but students are thankful to be back on campus and to not be watching their professor on a screen (which feels EXTREMELY optional to tune into). 

However, as there always seems to be this time of year, the chaos of classes starting again has struck some first-year students with a severe, mind-bending, sleep-depriving problem: what the hell does FDOC mean?

First-years all across campus are struggling with this difficult riddle, and some are even using it as a procrastination technique in order to dodge their other responsibilities like yelling to each other in the library and getting lost on the way to class.

“I literally can’t figure out what it means, and I’m way too nervous to ask someone what it means in case I’m the only one who doesn’t understand it. Is it an acronym? Does it signify something that we haven’t yet earned the privilege of figuring out? Was there a rite of passage that happened at Convocation that I missed? That was kind of culty… maybe I should’ve paid more attention? I am big stressed,” Brian Teaser ’25 said. 

Other first-years echoed Teaser’s sentiments, revealing he is, in fact, not the only one unaware of the meaning of this strange phrase. 

“I thought maybe one of my professors would know, so I introduced myself to my Philosophy professor and promptly asked him about what he thought it could be,” Connie Descending ‘25 said. “He and I puzzled over it for the duration of the 30 minute break between classes and he had some good, but likely inaccurate theories… now I am just weirdly close with my Philosophy professor. He actually invited me to his family barbecue this weekend. All on the first day of classes!”

Situational irony aside, someone living in one of the downtown houses took it upon themselves to halt the madness this originally innocent and annually-used phrase wrought upon the University and those who attend it by painting and hanging a large sheet on the front porch, which read “HAPPY FIRST DAY OF CLASSES!” He even took the liberty of underlining (in heavy brushstrokes) the F, D, O and C. 

“I think the University just needed a hero today, and I wanted to fill that position. The University has provided me with countless opportunities and I wanted to give back to the community by showing the first years that someone is always there for them.”

When the upperclassman (who requested to remain anonymous) was prompted about the origin of the aforementioned sheet he used to cure the madness that had ensued, he simply replied, “My mom gave me an extra sheet, so I put it to good use.”

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