Since most of the people who read The Bucknellian are students (you know who you are), many of you have probably been wondering, “Where does our cash go when we send it to the University?” Well, it just so happened that the administration accidentally bcc’d me some accounting costs, so I feel empowered to give you, the reader, a quick overview. Since there was a visible uptick in prices concerning the school’s comprehensive fee (not to mention the insane costs of textbooks these days), I decided to take a deep dive into as many of these as I (don’t) get paid to write.

Cloning projects for large Donors 

We’re all aware that the University received its largest one-sum donation this year from an alumnus, with more than $40 million entering its porous pockets. With that unprecedented contribution, many of us feel compelled to ask, “Why are prices still so high?” and “What is that money going towards?” I’m here to answer both questions. You see, deep in the Biomedical Wing of the Dana Engineering building – I’ve been there many times, trust me – there exist DNA samples of all the most prominent donors in the University’s history. The idea is, if the students grow donors from Petri dishes, they might give more money to the campus – maybe another 40 million? I see this as a perfect plan with no drawbacks, but I only worry about my clone, who, per Clone Law, must defeat me in one-on-one combat before taking on my persona. I’m gonna cheat for that one. Maybe bring a bazooka.

Paying Abstract Artists to tack on Approved Messages to Exhibitions

Let’s be honest. You know all those weird art galleries they put up around campus recently? I’ve seen them, and I don’t think they mean a thing. I know it’s supposed to be all vague and important, like “seeing things through a person’s eyes,” but I don’t think shaping a giant model out of rice is gonna help with that. Rice Head. Besides that, I see a giant painting with a bunch of large Styrofoam dots on it, and you know what I’m gonna think of? Muffins. Muffins are delicious, but painting a muffin and sticking it on your art piece like some kind of symbol? It just tells me you hate good baking. Having the muffin itself be the art piece? That’s just lazy. If it actually gets accepted into the museum? I applaud your lack of effort, but I still stick my nose up at you, Sacré Bleu!

I would have written more, but we couldn’t afford it. The important thing is, there’s no need to worry, folks! Your money is in good hands. While we’ll need to fork over more of it to learn here, I’m just happy my tuition cash isn’t being wasted. After all, it could be put towards frivolous things students actually want, like larger to-go containers and an on-campus Taco Bell. What can I say, though? Money makes the world go around, and the University can make it run for a long, long time… as long as we pay them, of course.