O’ Claw-deus of white, muse of party stories, help me tell a tale of Greek life in all its glory. We all know the myth of Hercules the hungover and Medusa the stoner. However, new legends are being made in Mount Lewisburg as sophomore girls are in the process of joining sororities.
Our tale starts with the dreadful fates. These three sisters have great influence over the social lives of students as they spin the ratty hair extension of Greek life destiny. As a result of the fates’ fiddling, the sophomore girls are banned from worshiping Dionysus. It looks like the god of parties will have something to wine about. Despite these sour grapes, the sophomore girls are finding other ways to embrace Greek life on campus.
Some sophomores have started worshipping Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty. They believe that by sacrificing enough drachmas at Sephora, their Zoom screens will frame a face that could launch a thousand bids. They also pray that their shoes don’t give them blisters and become Achilles’ heels.
Others have taken a different approach to the recruitment process. Some of the sophomores have used their newfound free time to study Homer in the amphitheater by McDonnell. This academic activity caught the attention of Athena, the goddess of wisdom. As a result, the goddess has blessed our heroines with the knowledge to remember to use the terms “recruitment” and “women” when referring to Greek life. While this vocabulary may seem trivial, the mention of “rush” or “girls” could send you to the underworld.
A handful of sophomores have been seen sacrificing their meals at Bostwick to Demeter, goddess of food and agriculture. Although the worshippers hoped Demeter would bless them with the energy to make it through recruitment, this attempt at praise may have backfired as the goddess was offended by the repulsive food. Perhaps rotting fruit and stale bread was a better sacrifice to give to the god of the dead. Due to this sacrilege, our heroines must be cautious, as Demeter is known to take her revenge in the form of greasy, acne-inducing foods.
Alas, I wish our heroines well as they embark on their personal odysseys. Sophomore girls already look forward to when recruitment is over, and soon everyone will be able to beat-box with Pandora and take shots with Artemis once more.