University Receives $1 Billion Donation, Still Won’t Fix Housing

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Content Co-Editor

Moving into a new college dorm is always a fun and exciting time of year; scoping out the new room, and figuring out where exactly you want your giant air fryer to collect dust for the year, is an absolute move-in staple – at least for those of us who can afford air fryers.

This is also when you decide if that thing in the corner of your room is a giant mold spot or a wasp’s nest, if that stain on your mattress is ever going to come out or if you should ignore it, and if those cracks in the ceiling are perhaps something to worry about.

This year, students were very excited to learn that the University received a very generous donation, totaling almost $1 billion, from an anonymous donor. The donor requested that the University use it to “pass the vibe check” – no elaboration whatsoever was provided. For their part, students hoped this meant a makeover for the dorms.

Despite the vagueness of their mandate, the University was elated to receive this opportunity to enhance the lives of its students and faculty alike. Naturally, the first thing they did with the donation money was knit the Bison Statue before the KLARC a huge orange-and-blue striped sweater.

After some prodding from its board members, the administration installed yet another new scoreboard for the football field, this time with a large graphic depicting a bison carrying a football across the top of the screen. The bright and shiny colors received a lot of attention, and a distracted football program won even fewer games than usual. A solid investment!

After the students’ opinions were finally voiced, echoing similar sentiments about the dire housing situation, the school finally decided to take action. On move-in day, students were looking forward to what the University had been referring to as a “housing revamp” all summer and were shocked by what they saw.

“I have no words right now,”  shared Sara Haus ’24. “The ‘housing revamp’ is that they’re now paying the football team and some faculty members by the hour to move our stuff in, and they put a ‘communal Swiffer’ in each cleaning closet on each hall that we are ‘free to use at any time.’ I thought they were going to give us new furniture or something.”

The University administration released a public statement regarding the huge donation and its future implications, stating that the leftover money would be divided up between each facet of the school where deemed necessary, but that this would be a long and strenuous process that could take months to fully map out.

Following this statement, the University’s president was seen having a full hot tub and jacuzzi installed in his backyard.

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