Police Report: Fraternities Stole Pieces of Gym Equipment Over Time Until Someone Noticed

Bridgette Simpson, Satire Co-Editor

Lewisburg, Pa. — In a police report filed Monday, the Buffalo Valley PD confirmed that the rumors are true; members of different fraternities on campus slowly but surely stole almost every piece of equipment from the KLARC. 

CCTV footage from the gym lobby showed several students wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts carrying individually small pieces of equipment directly past the front desk as they waved goodbye to the receptionist, who did not even look up from God knows what they always did back there.

It was included in the report that the fraternity members stole all weightlifting and running equipment – including the handheld weights ranging from two to 10 pounds, which they shoved in their pockets and underwear in order to conceal them – but two treadmills, the ab crunch machine (because, in the words of all brothers involved, “That one ******* sucks,”) and the diverging low row machine (?). 

It was also discovered that these antics were actually part of a competition to see which fraternity could establish the nicest home gym the fastest and without raising suspicion. “We, the brothers of Tau Gamma Apple Pi, consider our health and fitness to be a core value of our brotherhood. Taking care of your body enhances your mental abilities, as well,” Jim Bro ’22 said. I actually have my chemistry class with Bro, and I overheard him sounding out the word “pipette” to himself before our lab. This is a highly challenging word, so the lifting must have pushed him over the top!

“We also, uh, take fitness very seriously, I guess,” Jay Protein ’23 said. “We also just really wanted to win because Tau Gamma Apple Pi sucks and we wanted to show them who can really steal more gym equipment.” Protein is a member of the Alpha Alpha Alpha Alpha Male fraternity, who unfortunately lost horrifically in this endeavor, stealing 10 fewer machines and over 500 pounds fewer weights than their competition… not very Alpha of them at all.

Originally, no KLARC attendees or staff noticed the machines and small weights missing, since the fraternities had strategically stolen them when the gym was relatively empty (late at night, early in the morning, during class, basically anytime that wasn’t 3-4 p.m. during the week) and carefully carried them out. Even when equipment became scarce, there was nobody to turn to because Greg, the gym front desk guy, was almost always asleep and everyone felt bad waking him up – so they didn’t.

Eventually, towards the end of this charade, students eager to work out would simply grab a set of two-pound weights and scream obscenities at themselves in the single mirror left behind in the gym. “Are you really working out if you aren’t staring at yourself in the mirror half the time? Of course we stole the mirrors, too,” Jim Bro ’22 added.

Greg, the gym front desk guy, offered a comment to sum up the entire situation at hand.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

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