Students Scramble to Avoid Certain Death by Merging of Already Miserable Grades and Parents Weekend

AJ Lawrence, Contributing Writer

Here at the University, it’s just a little over three weeks into the fall semester and most students are in one of two categories: either they are feeling pretty good about their grades and taking part in the varying nightlife on the weekends (and beyond!), or they are wildly struggling with their studies but are participating in said nightlife anyway. With weekly quizzes, unit tests, surplus math questions, long reading assignments, and looming midterms added onto the normal workload, most students would probably say they are in the second category. 

Then, of course, it’s that fateful time of the year students love to hate: Family Weekend! A weekend full of family, food, activities, and fun that will distract you from tackling that mountain of homework and test prep. It’s not that we don’t love our families, or at least one person in them; it’s just that we have too much going on to entertain parents, siblings, and any extended family choosing to visit. 

Alas, if your family is coming to visit and you have no say in the matter like many people I know, here’s a few tips and tricks to try and help you survive this upcoming crazy weekend!

First of all, try to work ahead a bit. If you go out every night before your family comes, you’re less likely to feel the urge to bring them to Super, and I think that’s a win for everybody. This type of proactive thinking is what distinguishes an Average Joe from an absolute genius. Everyone has their own particular method they like to use, but as long as you’re getting that socialization in before, you’ll have more time to enjoy a wholesome brunch that your mom will love.

Second, clean up your room a little. Literally anything. I am begging you to do the bare minimum here. You already have the stress of your family visiting; you don’t need them to be judging your living space. It doesn’t have to be white glove spotless like my grandmother likes, but maybe throw away the empty cans you’re “using as decor” and just admit that you’re living in squalor. Make your bed and do your laundry, or at least shove it in the closet out of sight. And don’t forget to hide those pesky bits of contrabandyou know what I mean. I don’t care what it is, but you probably shouldn’t let your parents see it. 

If all that doesn’t seem to help, it may be time to explore alternative options. You could always tell your parents that you’re sick and need to cancel. However, that risks them visiting to make sure you’re okay or being avoided by hallmates like you have the plague. You could make an offering to the great Old Grade Gods by burning an old textbook of yours in return for some good grades or a bit of luck. But make sure it doesn’t belong to the library or someone else, as that would be rude, and invalid offerings really make the gods angry. You may also be able to sneak into the basement of Dana Engineering and gain access to the in-progress time machine the physicists are working on to go back and get work done sooner. Or be like Indiana Jonessearch for a magic lamp in the pit in front of the Rooke Science Center and hope the genie you find isn’t a jerk when you ask for help on your course work. Just make sure you bring your Time Travel Safety Kit or proper climbing gear, depending on which path you choose.

Above all, try and have some fun this weekend, even though you are already getting the vibe that seeing your siblings before Thanksgiving may push you right over the edge. I know you don’t call your parents enough, so how else will they find out you’re alive other than driving all the way here? Just remember that if it ends up being too much, you only have to do this a few more times.

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