Based upon the lack of planning surrounding the black mold infestation gripping campus, it is abundantly clear the University has bigger fish to fry when it comes to housing fiascos.

Even though this style of mold is known to make students extremely ill, it is failing to serve as the star of the show in diminishing the sanitary and safety aspects of University housing, leaving reporters somehow both appalled and a little impressed by the severity of housing conditions.
In order to lower the exorbitantly high housing prices, University officials have caught wind of some students inviting new roommates to help foot the cost. However, due to the small dimensions of the already barely occupiable space, most cohabitants tend to come in the form of rodent-type creatures.

Other students have decided to (somewhat) make the most of this suspiciously sticky situation. “I not only got some extra protein in my cereal this morning with all the ants that had been scattered throughout my Raisin Bran, but I was also lucky enough to dine with what appeared to be a family of mice and/or rats living behind my fridge… I cannot tell the difference, and facilities won’t come to get rid of them until I define the ‘species they need to handle,’ so it looks like they’re here to stay,” Rhonda Dent ’23 said.

By some miracle, Rhonda’s story is actually not the worst one we’ve heard thus far. Other students have reported forming fun new friendships in the form of cockroaches and termites. In an effort to get ahead of what should, in theory, be a PR mess but will in all likelihood just be swept under the rug, University officials announced through the new monthly installments that they are helping students form bonds that last a lifetime as they missed out on crucial socialization experiences due to COVID.
Despite these seemingly devastating additions, the overall satisfaction regarding students’ quality of life has increased significantly from the 2020-2021 school year as many report they are “just happy to no longer face these substances as part of the University dining plan.”